i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
