I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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