He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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