just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
