so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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