1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
