i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
