Porn is love you can see.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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