I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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