Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
