There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
