Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
