My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
