Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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