Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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