so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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