I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
