So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
