You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
