whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
