Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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