took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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