please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
