and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
