You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
