Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
