I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
