chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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