can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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