I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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