I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
