OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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