I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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