I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
