i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
