I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
