I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
