nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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