I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
