I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
