There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
