I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
two words...techno handjob
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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