is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
