How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just pynch a tree in the face
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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