vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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