I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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