The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
