Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wish there were birth control emojis
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
