ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
