I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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